Dark Desire
by Humerus Wordage
Summary: Manga-verse. A Chibi-usa character piece. Now that she has matured a little Chibi-usa reflects on past events and confesses her worst sin s . Rated T for somewhat mature theme. May lead to a series-various character confessions


_Forgive me Father, for I have sinned_

It almost seems like a different lifetime now. Really it's only been a few years for me. For them it might well have been a different lifetime. I have never really figured that out. But that is not important.

I knew time travel was forbidden. I may have been 'Small Lady' but I was old enough to know better. It was a desperate act though, and one I would do again. Puu would let me too. She has done much more than that for me; a fact that I am greatly ashamed of.

'Small Lady' was a strange nickname to have. I was proud of it then, but now I realize that it was too much. I was not a lady, though given my years I should have been. No, I was simply small. It was all rather confusing, even for me, but I'll try to explain.

The easy part to tell is that I was already over 900 years old in a time when 'human' life-spans averaged 1000 years, yet I retained the appearance of a 6 year old. So I was, in years, an adult. Perhaps I was in a few other ways too, but in most ways I was just a child. I was an ignorant, selfish girl and I used both my 'small' appearance and what mature qualities I had to my advantage.

Almost everyone praised me as 'cute' and 'mature'. I was defended as though I were a child, but often taken more seriously that the teenage girls I spent most of my time with. At the time I enjoyed this treatment as I was jealous of them. As much as I used the 'small' appearance, what benefits I received I did not appreciate much for I desired maturity even more. This, I suppose, is what lead to my sin.

The first people I met when I arrived in that time, the boy and girl whose date I interrupted, were the ones I both appreciated the most and hurt the worst. I don't think the boy sees it that way, but I am sure of the girl's feelings as she showed it. I do not fault her for that, for being open and honest is a good thing. Though might have seemed strange even to her that she considered a 6 year old a romantic rival, I know better. I knew better back then, to some extent at least. I don't believe I understood the impact of my actions at all, or even how wrong what I was doing was, but I knew that I was an obstacle for the girl. I also knew that I wanted the boy to myself. 

I cannot say it was fully innocent, but for the most part I was still 'small' even in mind. I just knew I liked being with him, and I wanted him to spend his time with me and no one else. It was selfish, but back then I saw it as love. I knew he was not 'mine' but I still pretended. Of course later on I did more than pretend.

When the reason I had traveled through time was revealed and my new friends agreed to help, we traveled to my time. Many things happened after this, though my memories are incomplete. It wasn't as if someone took over my body and those memories belonged to them, but that I gave into my dark desires then tried to forget those terrible times later. I could say it is unfortunate that I remember any of it, but I think it is better that I do. Remembering will keep me from repeating those mistakes.

It must have been easy for the Death Phantom to convince me. Part of me already believed I deserved the things he promised and I suppose I was willing enough to do anything to get them. So I gave into my darkest desires and became the lady I thought I wanted to be, with the power I desperately wanted and the man I desired for myself. I am aware of my many terrible sins of that time, but one most of all: I took him.

It did not matter how I got him, so he was brainwashed. It was easy enough to do, (Puu says that wandering in the time warp probably weakened his mind). After this I remember him holding me, me kissing him, and the look on the girl's face as she watched. I also recall telling him to hurt her. I suppose in that muddled, dark place I thought I could destroy her and truly take her place.

If I were the mature lady my years told me I should be, I would have realized I had no chance of having him. Looking back on it I realize how truly 'small' I was. I know I just missed my parents. I wanted a father, not a boyfriend, and I was just mimicking the girl I came to idolize. Yes, at first I was just jealous of her and the others, but later on I saw her as who I wanted to be. I took this all too literally for a while.

My jealously of that girl was terrible. Perhaps I even hated her a little back then. I hurt her so much that I do not know how she can forgive me. She has said I have no need to ask for forgiveness. That girl, my mother, is truly a wonderful lady.

But I did awful things back in that time. I came between my mother and the boy.

My worst sin of all was wanting my father, and doing all I did to take him from my mother.

_I wanted you for myself_


End file.
